Why Do We Follow Narcissists?

This started out as a script for a video but it got very long. So I’m going to try and shorten it, but here’s the reasonably stream of conscious version.

If narcissists are so bad… why do we vote them all the time?

I was watching a video from David Dole recently, also known as the Rational National. He was covering how a former Democratic mega-donor had switched to Republican. Pictured above here, his name is Chamath Palihapitiya… his name is… one that I don’t trust myself to try and pronounce because I’m very dyslexic, so I’m just going to put it on the screen.

Previously, this very rich person gave a lot of money to the Democrats, presumably like all rich people do, expecting to get something in return… you know… which isn’t really allowed but… is also… to be expected. Politicians don’t represent their voters often, particularly in the US. They represent their donors who provide the funds to manipulate the feelings of voters.

Because at the end of the day, democracy functionally is a popularity contest when parties don’t have convictions.

He’s apparently switched over to giving large sums of money to the Trump campaign and now administration, because he says that when he calls, they pick up the phone.

Which if you don’t think about it too much, sounds good. But keep in mind, that’s the American government, they are supposed to be representing 340 million people. If you think about it, saying, I bought enough influence that the White House not just returns my calls but simply answers when I call. That’s fucked up. 

I have a little over 6 thousand followers on TikTok now. I don’t respond to very many comments, though I do read nearly all of them. You’ve probably seen me give you a little heart if you’ve commented and you weren’t saying something you knew I’d disagree with. I also get a lot of messages, which I try to respond to, but especially if it’s just a video, I may or may not look at it. But if you don’t write a reason why you want me to see it, I might skip it because those can be a bit of a time suck. And honestly, sometimes people send me really janky videos. Anyway

He’s not even saying I can contact my local congressperson or senator. He’s saying that there’s someone at the White House who is going to work to keep this business boy happy, just because he’s rich. And the Democrats should have done that.

Now there are a lot of things the Democrats SHOULD have done. But that is not one of them.

So why does he feel comfortable saying this? 

I would suspect, because he’s a narcissist. Now, that word gets thrown around a lot these days. Not everyone who behaves badly is a narcissist. Not everyone who is a little selfish or off-putting is a narcissist. Your girlfriend who tells you that she broke up with a guy because he was a narcissist? She may be correct, she may also have just been looking for an excuse to get out of a relationship with someone who simply wasn’t a good match.

Now if you want a more exhaustive description of narcissism, you can crack open your copy of the DSM, but the major traits are grandiosity, by which they mean an enflated sense of self-importance, exaggerating achievements and talents, and expecting special treatment. Need for admiration, so you’re talking about attention-craving behaviour and manipulating people to pay attention to them, as well as exploitative behaviours.

One of the most necessary factors in acknowledging narcissistic behaviour is a lack of empathy. And this is the most important factor for me. 

Because not everyone with a big personality is a narcissist. For medical reasons, I really can’t do big crowds anymore; there’s too big of a risk of exposure to certain chemicals commonly used in perfume, at which point my body starts attacking itself and I’m in my own personal hell for a good long while. But when I could, I loved being on stage. I love making a room laugh. I love teaching people, provoking thoughts. I’m very comfortable being the centre of attention.

Does that make me a narcissist? No. And trust me, I’ve wondered. I was raised Evangelical, so I have to remind myself that people aren’t wrong to like me. It still feels very unreal that there are apparently thousands of people who enjoy watching my videos until they get bored and scroll on. And there seem to be already hundreds of people who pretty faithfully watch until the end. That still feels unreal to me. I don’t think I deserve to be listened to. So thank you.

But it’s not just that the person is gregarious. And everyone can be a bit entitled sometimes, right? Especially if you’re having a bad day or you’ve already reasoned things out and you’re dealing with someone who just isn’t getting your concern.

But lack of empathy is the kicker. Lack of empathy is where everything turns from maybe annoying to nightmare fuel. And to be clear, like most psych conditions, everything is a spectrum. In fact, I’ve noticed unmanaged and unmedicated ADHD can look like narcissism. And I haven’t actually seen any experts talk about this. But I’ve just noticed that certain people I know who have ADHD when under stress can be prone to lashing out and being hurtful because they’re so low on dopamine and their current situation is not helping.

But with a narcissist, a lack of empathy is not so situational. It is a consistent thing. Of course, narcissists can learn how to shake hands and kiss babies. Just like how lots of people learn to mask the things that are part of why they’re atypical. Narcissists can learn to behave performatively as if they are empathetic. Especially if they can meet someone’s needs by proxy. IE they identify a need of someone who’s disadvantaged and they call up a friend who they know is good at manual labour and they ask that person to help someone else with a manual labour task. I saw this several times when I worked under a malignant narcissist in ministry. He often would arrange to have certain people who he knew he had control over taken care of by others. Not because he empathized with their plight. But because they were like livestock he owned. When later he got caught doing things he knew not to do. He was more than willing to weaponize these people against anyone who didn’t adhere to his version of events. And he’d reduce them to tears and point them at the people who were supposed to hold him accountable.

Back to politicians. Why do we vote for narcissists? Well, because they want to be in charge. Do you want to be in charge? I don’t want to be in charge. I like organizing things. I have some pretty decent leadership skills and I’m genuinely above average in terms of my capacity to make people feel good about working with me. Here’s the thing that people don’t talk about. Most people want freedom, but they also want direction.

I have a number of skills that I’m exceptional at. In fact, to some of you, you may think I am much more capable than I am. Just by having this face, you assume that I’m great with computers. Which, yes, to a point. I hear politicians talk about digital stuff and I think, wow, you’re all fucking morons. At the same time, I have no skills when it comes to programming. I can understand a lot of higher-level concepts. And one of my favourite people in the world is a full-time software developer. We have great conversations about a lot of things. One time, he explained to me how a neural network works and why you can’t just go in and manually edit the code. So, like, I’m smart. But if by some miracle I was elected Prime Minister. You know what I would be doing? I would be asking people who the most competent advisors were. I’d be desperately hoping that the ministers I picked were good at their jobs, because I wouldn’t even know how to check their work. And I would probably annoy the hell out of the government’s lawyers asking them, can we legally do this? Hmmm, that doesn’t seem right, what would it take to change that law? But what if it helps a lot of people? Are you telling me that legally I can’t just tell someone to give that First Nation with no clean drinking water clean drinking water next week? Wait, so… what does the Indian Act do in this context!?

So, I probably don’t pose any danger to you or the country because I barely think I’m qualified to do this. You might have noticed I suggest that you look to Steve Boots for more in-depth analysis of policy, because he’s better than me at that. Full stop.

I do have better taste in computers though.

Narcissists, though. Are the epitome of fake it until you make it. And realistically, faking it until you make it is required in so many jobs. I’m not faulting anyone who’s done that. I’m not even faulting people who’ve realized that they can give themselves time to learn anything and keep climbing. So long as you know you can grow and learn more, and you know that you’re actually getting a grip of things. Great.

But narcissists don’t worry about how people might be harmed if they screw up. Because they don’t worry about other people. Me, if someone wanted to make me PM, I would be terrified. If it was between me and someone like Danmaul, I’d agree under duress because I’d understand that even an idiot with good intent is better than an idiot who just wants to sell out the country to the highest bidder. But it really would just be better to have a competent person with a competent team.

And we’re seeing that south of the border, where they’ve assembled a cabal of people, most of whom should be committed. Marco Rubio seems terrified as he realizes he’s the smartest person in the room, and that’s never happened to him before.

But it’s not just that a narcissist wants to be in charge of things. Lots of people who are simply dumb think they’d be good at being in charge because running a country doesn’t look that hard. And in fact, in good times when there are no big challenges, you can just sit at the desk, go to meetings, and let your staff do the heavy lifting. I think it’s pretty clear that for a lot of his time in office, that’s what Trudeau was doing. He was the face, and he was a buffer through which his experts would interface, and he’d either defer to them or tell them why their solutions would complicate things elsewhere.

But the danger when you elect someone like Stephen Harper, for example. A narcissist doesn’t just want to be in charge; they want to be IN CONTROL. They want to micromanage things. They don’t trust other people easily, and they view people who don’t fall in line immediately as enemies to be ousted and disposed of. When someone has such an incredibly inflated sense of self, they can’t have open and honest discussions with those around them who understand the areas they’re responsible for. And that causes organizational rot. You see this all the time with massive companies who have really effective leadership but over time take on new executives that don’t fully understand why the company is successful and focus heavily on goosing numbers for the next quarter.

Narcissists don’t understand why a robust free press, even if they don’t agree with them, is important. To a narcissist, criticism is never deserved, so it should never exist. Also, it gets in the way of them getting what they want. To a narcissist, a question period is not about asking honest questions or collaborating. It’s about political theatre. Everyone knows the answer to the questions they’re asking; they anticipate what their opponents are going to say. And that’s weird. That’s the norm. But that’s weird.

The fact is that in 2025, aside from when rich people roam the earth and devour the poor like dragons on sheep. Many of us can get by while keeping our heads down. We’re happy to follow whatever we’re told the rules are. So long as we can have time for work and play, to care for those we love. Most of us are content to pick between the various poor choices who insist that they be the ones to lead us.

And realistically, narcissists aren’t always terrible leaders. As I said, it’s a spectrum. Someone may be a bit more selfish than normal. But if they understand really well how systems work and they want people to talk about how brilliant they are, they might actually be good for the country if they can spend all their time focused on what they’re naturally good at.

But I think it’s important that whenever we look at politicians. We ask ourselves: does this person want to be in charge or do they want to make sure things are working? Is this person hopelessly holding on to power, or are they doing the best they can but willing to let go and let someone else take over when they’re out of their depth?